Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of behaviour in a relationship in which one person repeatedly uses control, humiliation, blame and psychological manipulation in ways that damage another person’s self-confidence, sense of independence and peace of mind. It can occur not only in romantic relationships, but also between parents and children, among friends, in the workplace, in marriages and in many other situations.
However, one thing needs to be understood. ‘Narcissist’ is not a mental-health term that should be used casually. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinical condition that can be diagnosed only by a qualified mental-health professional. In other words, simply because someone behaves selfishly, is arrogant or behaves badly does not mean that the person has NPD.
In narcissistic abuse, what is often seen at first is an excessive amount of love and attention. The person may make us feel that we are someone very special to them. They may constantly praise us and quickly move towards developing a close relationship. This is known as love bombing.
Later, the nature of the relationship may change. Love and praise may decrease, while control and blame increase. When someone repeatedly hears statements such as, “You are always wrong,” “You don’t understand anything,” or “You are the reason for every problem,” they may gradually begin to doubt their own abilities and decisions.
Over time, they may lose confidence in their own opinions and become dependent on the other person’s approval.
Another pattern that can occur here is gaslighting. Denying things that actually happened, claiming later that something was never said and making another person question their own memory and experience are examples of this. When someone repeatedly hears responses such as, “That never happened,” or “You are just imagining things,” the person on the receiving end may eventually find it difficult even to trust their own memories and feelings.
Another aspect of narcissistic abuse is deliberately ignoring a problem or refusing to communicate instead of discussing it in a healthy manner. Similarly, giving someone an excessive amount of affection at one moment and then suddenly becoming cold and distant can leave the other person confused.
Establishing boundaries can also become difficult in such relationships. When a person asks for freedom regarding their time, money, friendships or personal decisions, the other person may respond by creating feelings of guilt, becoming angry, or making threats. In some situations, there may also be attempts to isolate the person from friends and family.
Repeated experiences of this kind can affect a person’s self-esteem. Questions such as “Am I the problem?” “Am I not a good enough person?” and “Can I make decisions on my own?” may begin to arise. Some people may even start hiding their own feelings because they fear that whatever they say will once again be used against them or lead to further blame.
However, not every complicated or unhealthy relationship can be described as narcissistic abuse. Differences of opinion, marital arguments, anger, selfishness and poor communication do not automatically constitute narcissistic abuse. What is important to examine is not whether a particular person has a diagnosis, but the repeated pattern of behaviour within the relationship.
A person living in such circumstances should first take their own experiences seriously. Talking to a trusted friend or family member can be helpful. Keeping a record of incidents can sometimes also help bring greater clarity to what is happening. If financial control, threats or physical violence are involved, safety must be given priority.
Whether to leave the relationship or continue it depends on each individual’s circumstances. It is their personal choice. There is no need to blame yourself for another person’s harmful behaviour.
In a healthy relationship, there should be security instead of fear, mutual respect instead of control and communication instead of humiliation.
Reclaiming your sense of self is also important. Returning to things you once enjoyed, maintaining connections with your friends and family and creating small opportunities to make your own personal decisions can help rebuild your confidence. Seeking the help of a mental-health professional can also be beneficial.
The most important thing to understand here is this: the fact that someone repeatedly portrays you as a bad person is not proof that you are a bad person. Your worth is not determined by another person’s behaviour or by the way they speak to you.
A relationship does not necessarily have to make us complete. But if a relationship is constantly breaking us down, frightening us and causing us to lose our sense of identity, then it is worth taking a step back and reconsidering that relationship.
